Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
