GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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