Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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