I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
