You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
