He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
