apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
