OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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