Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
