I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
