I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
