When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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