thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize