i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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