What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
