if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
