If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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