dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I want is dick and wine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize