I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
