I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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