I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize