Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
