I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
