Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
