She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize