I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
