I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need a beard to bite.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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