Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
