Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
