just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
White coat. Heels.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
