i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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