scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
