i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
