I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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