put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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