she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
