You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
