I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
