the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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