If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
