Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
