Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
