I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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