So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
