You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
