How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
