Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
