update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
