so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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