I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
