I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
