I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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