I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
