I feel great
I just peed on a car
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pants are for mortals
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
