my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
