and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
