i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
