My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
