well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
