Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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