I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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